“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Buying a well is money well spent.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Ah yes. The three genders
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.