“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.