Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
the short answer to this question
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE