“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds