My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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Mornin
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.