Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Meow?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.