Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
twitter users today:
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
A roof is a house hat.