Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
lol
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?