Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
You Might Also Like
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing