“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
British websites use biscuits.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.