“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?