“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Siri: Retweet me.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Somebody call the cops.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue