Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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Lassie, get help!
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*