Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”