Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging