* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
You Might Also Like
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?