@JhonRules: Dammit I forgot my headphones and I'm at the airport wait here's some for 16 million dollars thank god.
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@JohnLyonTweets: I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.
@Brampersandon_: JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity? ME: let me double-check with my counsel *moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods* ME: thats correct ur honor
@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
@jimmytorosian: *phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."