By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
the saddest jazz hands ever
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.