“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf