Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.