The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.