Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
You Might Also Like
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.