My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*seductively eats two tums*
The news is so predictable nowadays
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.