@Elizasoul80: Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you're irritating the shit out of me.
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@0hJuliette: Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
@: My 7-year-old wrote this joke: What's a zombie's favorite weather? A brainstorm. I've never been more proud.
@DurtMcHurtt: Goal as a white guy 1)Pay taxes 2)Never say anything that may come across as racist 3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
@mortimermaiden: [humane society] Me: Hi, I'd like one medium sized dog please. Vet: That's not— Me: Oops, I'm sorry. One "grande" dog please.