Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.