Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Succinctly put.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Only short people can save us
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Monday?
No. Next question.