No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well