Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
where the womens at?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.