Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d