Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Spell check is for lasers.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Catering service
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
A friend sent me this.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
When they try to steal your moment.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function