Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Worst Native American name ever.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog