Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“i miss shittin on people”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.