Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Some people were born into their job.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.