Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.