damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
live long and prosper!
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.