[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
LOOOOOOL