What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I鈥檓 watching something on it.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You鈥檙e telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I鈥檓 not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I鈥檒l try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I鈥檓 on the run.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you鈥檙e good at it.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.