Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
It was worth a shot 😂
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Anime is real
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: