Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!