Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
A wise man once said nothing.