Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My first son he is wonderful
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.