My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
tinder is all about the long game
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“Huge”.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.