Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
#Caturday
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.