Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Doctors texting each other.
Just so funny
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.