@gabemakesmusic: damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall
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@ddsmidt: When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
@OrvllShrednbchr: 10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God.
@jordan_stratton: WINSTON CHURCHILL: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: "Yeah... and sharks"