“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.