Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I feel seen.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“just sayin” who asked you though?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good