Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The Struggle
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.