@dawny716: Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.
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@kevinseccia: When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
@MariyaAlexander: Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
@RobElliottComic: Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl Me: SWEET! Mr. Buffalo: And a boy Me: So, I guess you could say he's your... Bi-son
@TheCatWhisprer: I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.