@dawny716: Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.
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@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
@nikkithecanuck: Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
@tastefactory: I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
@dom_dot_dom: A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless