@dawny716: Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.
@AphroditeAfter5: Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
@Bob_Heller: Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@burnie: Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?
*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*
Interviewer: you're just what we need
@mrtruthandsoul: According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
@trumpetcake: Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.