@dawny716: Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.
@chrissyteigen: I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as "quiet"
@hbreaker9999: What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
@MattMcGruff: Officer- I'm giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That's heroin
Me- Want some?
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
@topaz_kell: Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
@AmishPornStar1: Sure, there's no "I" in "team"...
But there's, like, three in "idiot."