I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
the only bumper sticker ill allow