Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Whoa 😂
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.