The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person