Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho